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“Girls like bad boys.” This is a very popular phrase, and in some cases it is true. Bad boys aren’t boring, they’re not nerdy, they’re not shy, and they have an I-don’t-care attitude. They are sometimes mysterious, with an aura of charm and relaxed body language that is attractive to the opposite sex. Oddly enough, abusers are almost never bad boys: they want you to like them, so they share their feelings with you because they want you to engage with their emotions. If you are involved with their feelings, then you will try to figure them out, try to learn what makes them tick.

If your boyfriend slaps you, punches you, chokes you, shakes you, hits you, pushes you, or causes you physical pain in any way, the answer to the question is easy: yes, he is an abuser. There is no need to read further.

Unfortunately, abusive men don’t show their hands early on. Not your ‘physical’ hands. But there are ways to discern if the abusive tendency lurks beneath your exterior. Here are three indications that your boyfriend may be a bully hiding in lover’s clothing:

1. He is self-centered, narcissistic and selfish. All of these terms are identical, but I will endeavor to elaborate on their meanings. Egocentrism is self-explanatory: the self is the center of attention. Narcissistic means having an excessive or erotic interest in oneself. (Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance and a deep need for admiration.) Selfish means excessively conceited or self-absorbed. Now, think about your boyfriend and the last few conversations you had with him. Were they mainly about him? Did you get the feeling that he didn’t listen to you or your opinions because he continually reminded you of the subject and how he thought? In her book “Why Does She Do That?” Lindy Bancroft states, “Egocentrism is a personality trait that is highly resistant to change, having deep roots in deep entitlement (in abusers) or emotional injury. early severe (in abusers, non-abusers), or both (in narcissistic abusers).

2. You seem to get serious about the relationship right away. Most of the time you find that men avoid commitments. They don’t want to settle down, or haven’t found the right one yet. When the subject of marriage or stability comes up, they want to change the subject, avoid the subject altogether. If your boyfriend is already talking about the future, wanting to spend the rest of his life with you, it could be because he wants to “own you.” How many battered women have said that their abusers told them “If I can’t have you, no one will.” If he tries to slow down and he resists, this may be a sign of danger ahead.

3. His anger scares you. Anger is a normal emotion. We all get angry sometimes. But when someone’s anger is intimidating, something is wrong. Examples of intimidating anger are moving closer to the object of your anger, pointing your finger in the face, pushing, blocking movement, or restraining yourself. The excuse often given by someone exhibiting the above behavior is “I just want you to listen to me!” If your boyfriend kicks in doors or makes holes in the wall; if he throws things, sometimes hitting you, sometimes not; he speeds or attempts to vandalize a vehicle when he is angry; he makes you cringe or flinch when he’s angry; or makes veiled threats like “You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry; these are signs of danger.

Abusive men don’t want to let the cat out of the bag too soon. They want to spend time with you, involve you, make you believe that nobody loves you like they do; In short, they want to own you. Are you a possession? If not, pay attention to the signs it gives you. All the ways an abuser behaves lead to the one thing he wants more than anything: control. He takes control of your own life and resists abuse. Once abuse occurs, it’s just the beginning. Once abusers are in control, they often refuse to give it up. In other words, if he ever hits you, he’ll hit you again.