It is cheaper to keep it
I heard the expression “it’s cheaper to keep it” many years ago from my good friend Ken. Ken was the most eligible bachelor in town and many single women were drawn to him. He was very successful in his career, he was athletic, and he had a winning personality. I was surprised when Ken called me one day to tell me that he was settling down, getting married, and moving to another state to further his career. He was ecstatic about Ken’s new love and career opportunity. He got married and moved to another state. Several years later, I spoke to Ken and learned that he had a daughter, but that he was not happily married. In the middle of our conversation, he asked himself the fundamental question: “Are you contemplating divorce?” His answer indirectly answered my question and I deduced that he had thought a lot and finally calculated financially that it was simply easier and cheaper to stay married. In essence, it was cheaper to maintain. That was Ken’s response.
When I started writing this article, I looked up the phrase and found more than 36,200,000 references. This saying was found among already written articles, song titles, and was even a movie title. A stanza in the lyrics of one of the songs was “Well it’s cheaper to keep her than to let her go, I can’t seem to say goodbye to half of everything I have Well, I’m doomed if I do, and I’m doomed if I don’t. Well, it’s cheaper to keep her than to let her go. ” If this is not an insult and does not offend the women and wives of the world, then we have settled for less of the best we can have in a marriage. However, I did not fully understand its meaning until I was faced with divorce.
I had made a conscious decision to stay in my marriage until our son turned eighteen and headed to college. I strongly believe that a child needs both parents and it is the responsibility of the biological mother and father to make the relationship work regardless. He desperately wanted a divorce, but had resorted to living separate lives in the same house. My decision was not driven by finances, but for the sake of keeping the family unit together, I would have sacrificed my happiness. In the end, and fortunately, I got divorced. However, recently, I spoke to Ken again and still married, he announced that he planned to file for divorce in two years. Ken explained that his son would graduate from high school and then go on to college. Ken actually endured the years in an unhappy and unsatisfied marriage. I was touched by their commitment, but I wondered what kind of life it must have been, not only for Ken, but also for his wife. Unlike Ken, I had chosen otherwise, got divorced, and was living a full life.
Talking to my friend, I learned that living in an unhappy marriage breathes a lot of negative marital indulgences. For one thing, infidelity increases exponentially with one or both spouses. Usually it is husbands who get involved in extramarital affairs, however more and more wives are also involved in extramarital affairs. Ken was my only barometer on the subject, the reason for this article and he admitted that he had been involved in various relationships outside of his marriage for several years. He boastfully claimed that he would continue to enjoy relationships outside of his marriage. Actually, speaking of his relationship, with someone he was dating, I heard a different but exultant person on the other end of the phone. Ken explained that he had been involved for several years with someone else and that he was happier than ever. I asked him if he knew if his wife was doing the same, how dare I ask this question, and Ken said he hoped his wife would be happy with someone else. Confused and dumbfounded, I couldn’t judge his chosen lifestyle.
Another negative marital indulgence that unhappy marriages face is the lack of physical and emotional contact between the spouses. Ken was no longer attracted to his wife and that did not include any physical contact. I wondered how his wife was dealing with the lack of affection and attention she was receiving. I was heartbroken and disenchanted by the marriages. How can two people stay in the same house, without love and without physical contact? As women, we generally crave the affection and attention of our partner. When spousal care is not received, we suffer emotionally and some may also seek care outside of marriage. Ken was living a double life, he was juggling both relationships, and he seemed happy beyond belief. I’m not forgiving what Ken is doing, actually I condemn him because it threatens marriages and families. I immediately thought about how the children were affected and do they see the loveless lifestyle that exists between their parents and the inability to witness happy marriages? If so, this also contributes to one of the negative influences of unhappy marriages.
Our children learn a lot about life and relationships through observation. What children see and hear at home has a great influence on their lives, sometimes positively and sometimes negatively. When two parents show a lack of affection for each other, their actions can have a negative effect on the children, and sometimes they do. His daughter asked Ken about his relationship with his mother. Her daughter had been concerned that she never saw her parents holding hands, hugging or kissing. She, Ken, and his wife hardly ever went to performances together, and their daughter was disturbed by their lack of affection. She asked him, “Do you love mommy?” Ken was amazed at how his daughter had viewed his relationship with his wife negatively. Ken admitted that he never thought that his lifestyle and his decision to remain in a loveless marriage would affect his children.
Many decisions are made on a regular basis about what a marriage should look like between husbands and wives. Staying in a loveless marriage seems to be a popular decision that couples are making and enduring. However, such a decision and lifestyle negatively impacts everyone involved. It may be cheaper to stay with her, but what price is paid for staying in an unhappy and loveless marriage?