My husband acts like his cheating in the past is no big deal. What I can do?
I often hear from wives who don’t think their husband is taking the repercussions of their affair seriously. This can be extremely frustrating when the wife takes it so seriously that she can’t think of anything else. And when a man doesn’t think your feelings and pain are important, it can be almost as painful as the affair.
I heard from one wife who said, “My husband admitted to me that he had an affair early in our marriage. I guess he was hoping that because it had been so long, I wouldn’t be as angry and he wouldn’t be as responsible. But I’m angry and he should be held accountable. However, whenever I want to discuss the matter, he downplays it and acts like it’s no big deal. He says things like ‘that’s ancient history’ or ‘that relationship didn’t mean anything to me. It wasn’t a big deal .Are you really going to punish me for something that happened years ago and meant nothing?’ This just makes me mad. I don’t care when he had an affair. He still cheated on me and I still deserve answers and remorse from him. How do I handle this? It’s not fair that he can just downplay the affair and me. I’m supposed to just leave it.”
The wife was absolutely right. This situation was terribly unfair. But nothing said that she had to accept her husband’s attitude or the way she was handling the situation. In the next article, I’ll offer some tips on how to handle it when her husband downplays the cheating or affair.
Make it clear that your feelings and reactions are not under your control: Your husband can pose all he wants. But he shouldn’t (and doesn’t) have control over your feelings. He has the right to handle this in any way he sees fit. He may not think the affair was or is a big deal, but the fact that you think it is should be all that matters.
Often, downplaying the issue is at least an initial attempt to manipulate your reaction. He hopes that if he can make the matter seem like some insignificant event in the distant past, then you’ll cover it up quicker than you otherwise would have. However, if this is not to his liking, then he is entitled to give the matter all the attention he feels it deserves. Your feelings and reactions do not depend on him. They depend on you.
How to handle it when your husband acts like cheating is no big deal: As I see it, you have a couple of options. You can react genuinely based on your own perception of the matter. You can be influenced by your posture and react accordingly, or you can opt for a combination of the two.
Regardless of which path you want to take, it makes sense to make your feelings very clear to your husband. You could say something like, “I know you’re saying that the affair happened too long ago to matter to you and it didn’t really mean anything to you. But know that it doesn’t matter if the affair happened ten years ago or last week.” , it matters to me. And if you were madly in love with this woman or just for sex, I still consider it a great betrayal. It may not have meant much to you, but it means more to me than I can possibly express. If you love me and want to save our marriage, you will understand that this is important to me and you will stop making light of it. Because if it’s important and painful to me, then it should be important to you. I need you to take this seriously, starting right now.”
What if your husband still doesn’t take you seriously? So what happens if you say the right things and make your position clear and your husband still doesn’t take all of this seriously? Then you need to decide if you are going to stand your ground or if you are going to let him push you back a bit. This is a decision that only you can make. But if you can’t even imagine letting him walk away with this free and clear, then you can say something like “I can see you’re not taking this seriously yet. And that’s your prerogative. But I don’t think we can heal our marriage until take responsibility and stop downplaying your infidelity. Until you show me that you care enough to make my struggles your own, then I will continue to question your love and commitment to me. That means our marriage will probably continue to deteriorate. If the roles were reversed, I would be taking full responsibility and willing to do whatever it takes to demonstrate my commitment and love for you. But when you don’t accept Seriously, I wonder if you’re doing the same for me.”
Then pause and gauge your reaction. Often your honest words will make him realize how self-centered he has been and reevaluate him. And sometimes, he needs to see firsthand that you’re not going to change your mind or make any progress until he drops his insistence that this isn’t really a big deal. Because he definitely is. That doesn’t mean you can’t rehab your marriage even if his attitude isn’t ideal. You certainly can. But it’s going to be harder if he doesn’t take it as seriously as you need to.