One of the biggest mistakes singles make in a new relationship
Exploring a new relationship with someone is both an exciting and a terrifying experience. Here you are opening your heart, soul and body to someone with wild abandon and love without any commitment or guarantee of the future. There is immense possibility of creating the relationship of your dreams on the one hand, and great risk and uncertainty on the other. Somewhere, without a commitment or promise, you could be abandoned or rejected and deeply hurt at any time.
It is challenging to open your heart to someone so completely without promises or certainties. The discomfort of “not knowing” the future that comes with the joy and exhilaration of intimate bliss can be quite emotionally unsettling. The insecure mind wants to console itself with “knowing” the future and tries to answer questions like: “Is this “the One?” Are we going to be together forever? Does he or she love me? Do I love them? Is this What do I really want, am I settling, will I be happy?
Unfortunately, trying to answer these questions too soon results in people rushing to make determinations and decisions about the relationship ahead of time, or forcing others to do so. This focus on determining the future gets in the way of allowing the relationship to develop organically. People break up and start relationships too quickly because they can’t stand being with the uncertainty of questions.
In truth, it takes time to assess whether or not you are willing to commit and spend your life with someone else. It takes recurrence with someone over time to know whether or not they can trust each other, work together to overcome failures as they arise, create new experiences in harmony together, successfully fulfill their desires and attend to their needs. , etc. Sometimes it can take people a couple of years before they feel resolute enough in their choice of relationship to commit to marriage. So what do we do with all the emotional discomfort in the meantime?
Make peace with the questions, both yours and theirs. They may be here for a while. Know that the questions do not necessarily mean that you do not want to be together or that you do not love each other. Expand to include both the deep love you are experiencing with your new partner and the questions that abound. Problems are part of the dating process.
Focus on the now as much as possible. Instead of thinking about the future, focus on what is good and wonderful about your relationship now. Enjoy the experience you ARE having, not the one you imagine you WILL NOT have later. Be in a mood of appreciation and gratitude for the wonderful experiences you ARE sharing together. Speak them out loud to each other. This practice will calm your fears.
Instead of asking questions about the future that instill doubt and fear, ask questions that instill joy, confidence, and hope. Ask questions like, “How can I express my love more today? Where can I be more honest and transparent? What would it be like if I trusted in the perfect development of this relationship? What would it be like if I knew that this is my perfect match or a next step?” divinely inspired toward my perfect match?”
And most importantly, make sure you continue to nurture yourself outside of the relationship. Taking bubble baths, listening to uplifting music, hanging out with friends, dancing, exercising, meditating, getting emotional support from a coach, continuing to work on your own personal development, etc. Engaging in activities and participating in practices that make you feel good about yourself is crucial. They will help you stay centered and expand your emotional capacity to deal with the uncertainty inherent in the early stages of dating.
Lastly, know that your questions will be answered over time, almost on their own. Allow love to flourish and take you where it wants to go. As much as possible, enjoy the excitement that comes from developing love, and don’t rush to decide where it will all end too quickly. If you do, you may very well prevent love from growing.