Supporting the Adolescent Transition from Childhood to Adulthood
The fact that adolescents go through a transition period is not a problem. We see it in our homes, on television, in the mall. In almost every place we go, there are those teens, making their transition thing very obvious! For many adults, this period is uncomfortable to witness. We may find it scary, sad, or offensive. Some of us have the luxury of ignoring it, since we don’t have teenagers in our lives. But some of us have no other choice; We are surrounded by adolescent spirit! We often feel powerless to help; we are busy, they are scary, we feel incompetent, they reject our offers. The truth is, they DO need our help; How else will they learn to become happy and productive adults?
Lately I’ve been playing with the Caterpillar-into-Butterfly analogy. The caterpillar / adolescent accompanies, happily chewing leaves, when nature asks for a change. The caterpillar / adolescent enters his own little world and withdraws from “society”. This period is a mystery to biologists, but within this structure (the cocoon) nature is able to transform the hairy and spiny caterpillar / adolescent into a beautiful butterfly / adult.
It’s a nice comparison, right? However, notice that something is not the same: where is the analogous cocoon when we talk about teenagers? Imagine that a butterfly forms out of the cocoon. It couldn’t happen. What secure structure is available for its delicate and dramatic transformation? If you take the time to observe teenagers, you realize that they are most passionate about their lives when they belong to a system. For some it is a strong family system, for others it is school or a sports team or a church club or group. Others may find their purpose and passion through the responsibilities of keeping a job. Unfortunately, when left to their own devices and with few tools to cope with impending adulthood, adolescents will create their own structure to give them a sense of security. Sadly, for some, a gang, drugs or having babies provides the structure they lack elsewhere.
How can parents create structure for their children?
1. A strong sense of family is essential. It doesn’t matter what the family looks like as long as there is a strong sense of unity and common purpose.
2. All children need to feel safe. For a child, this means that his parents are trustworthy, trustworthy, and consistent in their behavior. It means that in making decisions that affect their children, parents take into account their children’s particular physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and psychological needs and limitations, as well as their strengths. It means that parents become parents, even when it is inconvenient, exhausting, or scary, and children become children, even when it is boring, “unfair,” or restrictive.
3. To learn respect, compassion, and kindness, children need to see them displayed DAILY within their home. Love and acceptance should never (NEVER) be withheld. We can disapprove or despair of our child’s behavior (and administer an appropriate consequence or arrange for an intervention such as training or counseling) AND we still offer words of love and acceptance, because this is when our children probably need it most.
Just as the caterpillar needs a structure to fulfill its destiny and complete its natural, even divine transformation, so an adolescent MUST have a structure to fulfill the sacred purpose of his life. If a parent or other adult does not provide such a structure during adolescence, the injured adult can rebuild it and heal later in life. Regardless, the structure is imperative.
Copyright February 2008 Margit Crane
All rights reserved