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Nothing causes me more anguish and terror than having the lesbian ex-girlfriend argument. It would be wonderful if we could build relationships where there is no past, like a science fiction movie where memory is erased and no baggage is presented.

There is something especially disturbing about lesbians and their past relationships, we tend to have a hard time letting go or moving on. Often we repeat mistakes from the past and question what we have and whether it is better than the last experience. Full of doubts and mistrust we compare ourselves, we self-sabotage and we get more and more tired.

There are two conundrums when it comes to ex-girlfriends, first of all, you deal with your entire past, whether your ex-girlfriends are still in your life or the pain they have left behind. Second, his women past and present, I don’t know of anyone else, but I often feel like I’m being punished for his ghosts past.

We all want to be able to keep what we carry no matter the risk and ask our new loves to renounce all their past “EVERYTHING”. I’m just as guilty, I have to say, it’s not easy for anyone to date me as I’ve had some really amazing beautiful women in my life and even though it didn’t work out romantically, many are still dear friends that I love and value. I know that many have suffered knowing this even though I have worked on the battlefield to balance what I needed and how to accommodate without losing myself.

I recently realized something that I have known for a long time but only now accept: You can’t please everyone. You will not make everyone happy, it is an impossible task. It is not where happiness lies, it is the balance within oneself of what we need and want. In my past I was so afraid of hurting others that I kept my relationship a secret and the women who loved me allowed it. I know this probably made them feel unwanted and inferior, but I thought that the love I felt and showed would be enough and could still keep everyone else happy, but no one wants to be a secret!

As I enter a new relationship, I find myself questioning my ways and closing doors that I have left open for far too long. I look at her and I want her to feel everything I see in her and also know that she is not my little secret that I am proud and in awe of her. I can’t make everyone happy and honestly it’s exhausting, and if ex-girlfriends and friends can’t be happy about the steps we take, they’re really the people we need in a circle of support.

I have also decided that I cannot be punished and worried about their ghosts. I know that I am not those women, that I am me and that every day I work on who I am and my intentions in this world. A compromise-phobia by nature would use this as an excuse to run, the former story. I would tell them that I just couldn’t get over her past, nor did I want to face it, which also gave me permission not to become completely vulnerable and do whatever I wanted.

When you love someone, there is no guarantee. All you have is what comes in the package and if everything is going to work, you need to accept everything that has gone before you, because after all that is part of who she is.

In the end, there is no diplomatic way to care for ex-girlfriends, and sadly, it will require putting selfish needs aside and seeking to change core beliefs. I am no stranger to this process and am still in the early stages of learning. When we choose to remain friends, ex-girlfriends leave very little room for someone new to come in, and perhaps unconsciously we are not sure how we feel about our current partner. As painful as it may be, it takes space to heal wounds and make way for new beginnings. How can we look ahead if our vision is stuck in the rear view mirror? We will continue to crash and burn in our past.

I think there are some ex-girlfriend relationships that can be healthy, but that comes with time and space in our union. There are also relationships that when they come to an end, that’s where they should stay and rest, especially if they were abusive or unhealthy to begin with.

Here are some tips for dealing with the EX factor:

1. Do not compare your new love with those of the past. It really isn’t fair and doesn’t allow for a good start. Everyone is different and really if you want to know why you attract certain people take a look at yourself and your parents. You will not find the answer in your partner, but in your own past and understanding of relationships and modeling.
2. Do not find yourself in compromising situations. If there are exes that you know are dangerous to you, walk away. We all have that person that when we are close all the walls collapse and we begin to make excuses to get closer and forget about the most basic of relationship breakdowns. Know your weaknesses and then adjust to them and keep your new relationship intact.
3. Friends are people we can call for support, without raising inappropriate problems. We need to be able to trust friends, and ex-girlfriends often can’t be friends as schedules are so different than a friend’s. So basically “Don’t shit where you eat.”
4. You cannot fully invest and be present if your energy is directed to past relationships and you attempt to befriend them.
5. Talk to your ex, tell him frankly that you are in a new relationship and need space. Stop wandering around waiting for the right moment and show respect not only for your needs, but for everyone involved, even if it means a bit of pain. Pain is not a bad thing; it is just a sign of change and adjustment. You can say “You are an amazing person, but I have started a new relationship and I am very happy. I want to give it a fair chance, so I will say goodbye, but I wish you all the best.” Keep it short, to the point, and sweet.
6. De-friend them on Facebook. Remove the temptation and so you are not all on their business and they are not on yours. It sucks, but it’s part of letting go. Don’t worry, the two of you will soon make new friends.
7. Remove their number from your phone. This is one of the first things I do, because I’m impulsive and I always want a happy ending, but that’s unrealistic, so as a good addiction specialist, I eliminate all triggers for a relapse in a relationship.
8. Complain the loss. You lost someone you loved and a friend. It’s okay to cry and be sad. A part of you has gone with them and now you have to say goodbye.
9. Stop mentioning the ex. It is part of history and you leave in the present.
10. Focus on yourself and what you have learned. If we go through all of this, we might as well learn something from it and be better for it, no more jaded, right?

New relationships are difficult; They require a lot of work in the beginning after all your two strangers are together and for all the reasons in the universe. Nothing is gone forever and if you want a later friendship with an ex, leave it in a box to deal with later, but for a while at first focus on your new love and the power that brought you together.

Alex Karydi ~ The Lesbian Guru