Grief Overload – Dealing with Multiple Losses
How can someone cope with the death of more than one family member when those deaths occur in a short period of time? What happens to the person who is grieving the death of a loved one, then loses their job and has to move out of their house or apartment due to financial conditions? Multiple losses occur more often than most people realize and can complicate the grieving process.
To begin with, it is important to recognize that we go through many life changes in addition to the death of a loved one. The breakdown of any close relationship, divorce, incarceration, geographic relocation, children leaving for college, wildfires, changes in workplaces, or the loss of family heirlooms can provoke a strong reaction of grievance. In most cases, these losses can trigger a cascade of emotional responses as strong as those associated with the death of a loved one.
How can we cope with these massive changes or help someone who is experiencing more than one of these losses? Consider the following.
1. Recognize that people who experience multiple losses will often need much more time to sort through their feelings and deal with their losses. Often the intensity of the grievance will be stronger and the bereaved will need help prioritizing their needs as they deal with each loss one at a time.
2. Now more than ever, the person facing multiple losses needs trusted grieving partners who will listen to the pain being experienced and expressed. It takes a lot of commitment from caregivers who will not reduce their contact with the bereaved over time or make comparisons of one bereaved with another. Allowing grievance to run its course in multiple loss circumstances is a huge commitment for the caregiver.
3. If you suffer multiple losses, be patient with yourself. You cannot expect a quick resolution of all the changes that need to be addressed. There will be some moments of trial and error and you will have to sit back and try another avenue of approach when a plan doesn’t work. Do not rush. Easier said than done, of course, when you’re in pain. But that’s why you need people who can be close to the pain.
4. More than ever, it is essential to take care of yourself. Self-care is a top priority as energy drains from multiple losses are extremely high. Schedule a daily rest period, preferably in nature, where birds, trees, water, and other wildlife can remind you of the importance of connections and the peace that will replenish your mind and body. And above all, walk, walk, walk.
5. Never forget: you are not being punished. Don’t fall into thinking traps like “I get what I deserve” or “This is what happens when you don’t do the right thing.” Such negative thinking only increases unnecessary suffering and distractions from coping with the new life that multiple losses dictate. Remember: that kind of thinking has a huge impact on your physical being as well as your emotional well-being.
6. Tell yourself continually that you will get through this dark night of the soul. It is hell and very painful, but you are a survivor who will use the support and insight of others to adapt and start anew. You are normal even though everything feels so abnormal. There is nothing wrong with feeling overwhelmed. Anyone would be. Keep training yourself to persist, it will make a big difference.
7. Feelings and thoughts change and new ones will appear in your mind and body in the long run. Look for continuous support structures. They may be exceptional friends, a grievance support group (many members are dealing with multiple losses), a member of the clergy, or a professional grievance counselor. The information you need, to address your particular circumstances, is available. Half the battle is finding the people who can come up with an idea or two you haven’t heard yet.
8. Also, even if pain and anxiety flood you, don’t stop listening to the best source of all: your own wisdom. You have it inside right now to know what to do. You are much more capable than you think you are.
When you’re alone at night, ask yourself (or God, your Higher Power, even your deceased loved one) information to address a particular problem. Then listen very carefully to what thoughts or images come to mind. He inherently knows what is needed better than anyone. The trick is tapping into your inner wisdom with confidence.
In short, many people experience multiple losses and the resulting grief overload. Although multiple losses tend to exacerbate the length and intensity of the grievance process, analyzing and prioritizing where to start in dealing with so many changes (both internal and external) is the place to start.
It is excruciating and painful work, but success in adapting to multiple changes will happen gradually. Keep your self-talk positive (we are often our own worst enemy), allow a relapse or two, but know that you can survive these massive changes and pass your demanding test.